So cold inside
by Devoregirl
Summary: Tag to parting shots. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Peter Burke finally breathed a sigh of relief. He was out of the cave, reinstated to his previous position in the FBI. Neal was back, safely. Since Neal had willingly returned, the trust between the two partners was stronger than ever. Everything was finally perfect in his life.

Brown eyes followed the movement on the terrace. Neal and Sara were talking, things looking serious from the furrow marring the otherwise smooth contours of his partners face. Neal seemed to have reached an epiphany, his eyes lit up with determination. He placed a chaste kiss on Sara's cheek and came inside.

'I have some urgent business to take care of, I'm afraid I have to leave. Please, carry on the party. I'll join in the fun soon.' Neal said, and with a tip of his hat and a final pat on peters shoulder, the conman left his apartment.

Neal's absence did little to dampen the cheerful mood that consumed the group. Today was a day to celebrate, after all.

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(four hours later)

'There are no such things as aliens, mozzie!' Peters frustrated voice cut through the paranoid mans tirade on ET life.

'How do you know that!? I'm telling you suit, the government has evidence in their secret underground headquarters!'

'Moz, i think that only happens in the Transformers movie.' and amused diana added her two cents to the absurd conversation.

'Lady suit! I took you as a more open-minded type!' mozzie declared mournfully.

'Let's all go have a celebratory dinner!' El's voice interrupted their pointless argument.

'Oh, that sounds like a great idea El!' Peter happily jumped at the chance to get some real food in his stomach. The food Neal had left them had been something fancy, and unsurprisingly Peter couldn't pronounce the name of the complicated dish that had appealed to everyone's palate but his own.

'I'll call Caffery, let him know where to join us.' Jones added helpfully, phone already pressed to his ear. The call went straight to voicemail. Jones frowned. Caffery always picked up his phone. Something was wrong.

Mozzie whipped out his own phone, listening to Neals voice helpfully telling him to leave a message if he dared being heard by Big Brother. 'Something is really wrong, suit. Neal always picks up when i call from this number. Even when he has company over.' he shot a deliberate glance to Sara who was nursing a glass of Bordreux in her delicate hand.

'I'm sure its nothing. But i'm going to check his tracking data. He could have found some gallery with a new exhibit and is probably staring at it while we act ridiculously paranoid.'

Still, Peter took out his phone and dialed the US Marshalls office. Requesting the position of his troublesome partner and friend. 'Subject is present in Lenox Hill hospital. Do you require any assistance?' a monotonous female voice replied to his inquiry.

The blood drained from Peters face when he heard the word hospital. He thanked the woman after turning down the offer for assistance. Stride powerful, he made his way to the door. 'He is in the hospital, i don't know why but I'm going there now. If anyone needs a ride, come with me.' peter said, hoping that his charge wasn't hurt.

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Neal caffery was freezing. He didn't know how long he had been sitting on the cold, hard floor. His back to the wall as he stared ahead, not focussing on anything in particular.

He was in shock, he was certain of that. But having that knowledge didn't mean he reacted any better to the situation than he would have if he wasn't aware of the fact.

Ellen was dead.

He felt numb, his mind unable to grasp the fact.

She had asphyxiated on her blood, died choking on the otherwise life giving fluid on the ride to the hospital.

Drawn her last breath while weakly gripping the devastated young mans hand.

Neal drew in a shuddering breath. She was gone. Just like Kate was gone. Just like his mother. He had no family left now.

He pushed himself to his feet and looked at the hospital bed where the pale figure of the woman who had raised him up laid unmoving. Running a hand through his now completely dishevelled hair, neal took another gasping breath.

He stood next to her, holding her cold, limp hand with both of his. Her hands were tiny, he noted absently as he continued gazing at the body that had held the life of his dear friend. Neal gasped for breath again, as if the bullet had torn through his lungs, not allowing him to breathe.

Neal's eyes lost focus as once again he lost himself in his thoughts.

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Peter Burke rushed to the hospital morgue. Flashing his FBI credentials at the reception desk and demanding to know the whereabouts of his missing consultant had gotten him a quick response. A harried nurse pointed the group to the direction of the morgue, telling them that their friend had been there for the past two hours and refused to leave.

The door to the morgue opened with a slight creak to reveal a sight that Peter never wanted to see again. Neal stood, both his hands holding a small, still one as he gazed ahead, his eyes unfocused. Tears ran silently down his pale face.

Peter heard Elizabeth draw a sharp breath from his left. an oomph of pain from mozzie as he slammed into his back when Peter had suddenly stopped.

Peters eyes focused on the body lying on the gurney as his feet took him forward on their own accord. It was Ellen.

Peter heard, rather than saw Diana and Jones backing silently out of the room, not wanting to intrude on a moment so personal, so raw.

He had seen Neal lose Kate, had felt his pain as he screamed and fought to get to the burning plane. This was different. Neal looked devastated. He was in shock, too out of it to notice anyone's presence which scared Peter more than anything.

He made his way to his friend, pulling him into a hug. Neals muscles tensed, resisting the comforting touch.

'I'm so sorry, neal.' Peter softly said. it seemed to be what Neal had needed as he desperately returned the hug, burying his face in peters shoulders and gripping the lapels of his jackets tightly. Peter held onto his weight as Neal's legs crumpled beneath him, both men descending to the floor.

Neal was never going to be the same again, such a lot of pain in such a short amount of time seemed to have shattered his young partner. He knew one thing though, he would do everything in his power to help his friend.


	2. Chapter 2

The entire day was a blur to Neal. There had initially been the panic, of having a gun shoved in his face. Again. Just because he knew how to put on a mask of indifference didn't mean nearly getting shot in the head didn't scare the hell out of him.

Then there was the guilt. He didn't want to con a widow, no matter how much money he could get out of it. There was the fact that any other time, if they met under different circumstances and he had no hope of getting back with Sarah, he would most definately have wooed her. But not as a mark. He knew what it was like to lose a partner, a loved one. He had lost Kate after all and that had nearly destroyed him. He knew how vulnerable that made a person, how needy. And that meant that he couldn't take advantage of her even more. Not like he had a choice. Much as he hated to con the gorgeous blonde and make her fall for him, he had to. Like Peter put it, it was to save her. If he refused, she could die. And he'd rather feel guilty about conning her than have the awful thought that he could have done something to save her life and he didn't, chasing him for the rest of his life.

Then, there was that ever present guilt about Peter. The man who had saved him in more ways than one for more times than he could remember. Bringing Neal back from Cape Verde had cost Peter. He was now stuck doing a job beneath his experience because he saved Neal once again. When his best friend had come to him with a huge smile on his face, handing him an envelope, he had temporarily forgotten about his dark emotions. Reading that his partner was reinstated to his previous status, effective immediately. Neals relief at the news practically radiated out of him as he drew his partner into a hug. It was with several pats on the back and a few gruff, emotionally spoken words that they finally parted and decided to head over to Neals loft for a celebration.

Then Ellen was dead. And everything was hazy. He remembered flashes. He remembered he had felt cold, so cold inside. He recalled feeling so lost, so heart broken. And then falling...

As he sat in the terrace, he relished in the cold, revelling in the cool breeze caressing his face. Because being cold meant being numb, and if he was numb he couldn't feel anything.

Peter and El had of course extended the offer for him to stay with them that night. He turned it down though, feeling just a slight twinge of guilt at the hurt look that had momentarily made itself known in El's eyes. But she had nodded in understanding. And that had been worse in a way. He didn't need pity.

He should have felt something now, he mused silently as he nursed a glass of red wine. He didn't though. And he was okay with that for now. He had gone through the pain of losing Kate alone in prison and he would rather lick his wounds in privacy. Because mourning where others could see you meant you were vulnerable. Exposed. And even though Neal trusted Peter with his life, he had not allowed anyone to look into his soul for the longest time. He didn't even remember how any more. Neal let out a sigh, his breath turning into a mist in the chilly night. His skin was cold, his body's warmth seeping out of the thin material of his shirt. He should go inside, get into something warmer. But he felt drained physically, a dull throb making itself known behind his eyes. He rested his elbows on the railing lining the terrace, leaning forward with his head in his hands, his eyes closed.

And that is how Sara found him. She had been concerned about her ex when she found him standing pale and unmoving next to his friends body. Her concern had rapidly morphed into a heart clenching terror when neal had collapsed in Peter's arms, horrified that he might have sustained some injuries hidden from view. She was relieved when she realised that her friend was not injured. Though the fact that his emotional pain was making itself physically known was, in itself, a cause for concern.

Sara remembered peter running soothing circles on neal's back as the younger man leaned heavily against his partner, his eyes closed, his breathing harsh. It was a few minutes or a lifetime later, when peter had helped neal to his feet, the grief-stricken man leaning heavily against him and then the two disappearing as they left the room with El trailing behind them.

Now, she saw her ex lover leaning against the terrace, his posture exuding exhaustion.

'Neal?', she said softly, not wanting to startle him. He didn't seem to hear her though.

'Neal, are you alright?' she said, stepping up to him on the terrace.  
Once again, he didn't seem to hear her.

She reached out a hand, hesitating for a second and the touching his shoulder gently. Dull blue eyes looked up at hazel ones, the agony in them pulling an unknown protective feeling to the surface of her heart as she reached out to cup his face in her hand. He leaned into the touch, almost as if he would collapse without the physical contact.

This needy side of neal was one that Sara had never seen in her life, yet somehow the vulnerability sh saw made her want to pull him close and never let him go.

She gently tugged him inside, to the couch and sat down besides him. Running soothing circles on his back. She didn't know what to say to him, so she decided to provide a physical anchor instead. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in the crook of her neck. A soft, broken voice said 'I loved her.' And then Neal dissolved into tears, letting his grief flow out. Sara ould be there for him, as an anchor if nothing else. Because Neal couldn't afford to lose any more people he loved.

Fin

A/N: I just wanted to finish the story though i don't know whether i've done it justice. please R and R, both positive and negative critique is welcomed. And if anyone wants to give me a promt for another story, plz feel free to PM me.


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